I Was Told To Act My Age After Breaking The Land Speed Record On An Asda Trolley

It was 2PM in Asda, people came, people went, that stupid fucking Take That song you've heard for the billionth time repeated itself yet again over the PA system much to the joy of the fat bird who reckons she's X Factor material as she puts in an effort to give you tinnitus while roaming the aisles... God I hate those women. Indeed 2PM is a strange time in Asda, the workies are back doing what ever it is they do and Students are back either pretending to work or having some alone time in a locked bathroom stall. This is the time when Asda is quiet, just a few unemployed people who look like extras from The Walking Dead are left openly staring at burgers and the elderly who just hold everything up. Then I came along, in an entrance some would say was modest for the feat I was about to achieve. Everyone knows the trolley surfing game, you run, run like Usain Bolt on coke for just a few steps and then you jump and hold on to your Asda branded chariot as it thunders down the aisle...I did just this. As I soared down the aisle like the final race in Cool Runnings right past the assortment of coffees and teabags and into the crossroads I was half expecting a crowd waiting for me in delight, I felt like I'd broken the world record. It even made that horrible sound like you've just shoved turkey stuffing up Susan Boyle's arse. But there was no medals, no crowd, no kid staring at me like I was Mr Incredible... Just a sole old woman who said 4 words "Act yer bloody age" she didn't even film my bloody world record... She didn't even have a fucking camera phone and just like that my short lived dreams of a lucrative ITV deal in which Splash! becomes Trolley! and Nike practically spew apondership money at me were killed by a sole old woman.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

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